


do you find it all right

by silentfaith



Series: we're all gonna die [2]
Category: Until Dawn (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Bad Thoughts, Gen, chris needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 09:14:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8138708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/silentfaith/pseuds/silentfaith
Summary: Chris grieves his best friend, and Ashley tries to ease Chris' self-loathing for not being able to save him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> give me more compassionate, caring ashley who won't kill the boy she's suppose to be in love with out of spite
> 
> set some time during their search for sam/ghosts or what have you.

"I don't think I can do this."

Ashley, who was leading the way through the bowels of the lodge, turned to look at him where he had stopped. "Chris?" 

"I'm sorry, I don't know, I just-" Chris leaned heavily against the wall, sending a bunch of paint chips to the floor. He put his face in his hands and shook his head, his mind reeling. How long had it been. Twenty, thirty minutes? Thirty minutes since Josh - 

"Chris?" There was a hand on his arm, but his whole body felt far away. Josh was dead. His best friend. He had been not fifteen feet away from his when a saw cut him in half. Josh died. Horrifically, at the hands of a madman, a madman still running around the lodge. Josh, his best friend, was gone. Not gone like he was last summer, when he distanced himself from Chris and his heart had ached for his best friend, ached to let him know that it wasn't his fault that his sisters were gone, ached to let him know that he was loved, he was loved, he was loved. 

No, he was gone. Permanently. Like his sisters. Chris' best friend was gone and it was all his fault. No - yes. It was the psycho, but Chris was the one who pulled the lever. He was the one who killed Josh. He let him down. Again. He tried - he tried so fucking hard - but it wasn't enough. He wasn't enough. How couldn't he be fucking enough - for the one person he needed to be strongest for?

And god, what he yelled out before he died -

_I thought we were friends, why would you do this?_

Chris didn't know the whys, the hows, he could barely finish any thought that wasn't about what a fucking failure he was. He slipped in and out of his body. Some moments it was a dream.

_Oh, god, what did I do!?_

Some moments it was so real, his chest seemed to cave in with the weight of it baring down on his shoulders.

"Chris, talk to me." 

No, no, no. He needed Josh, he wanted Josh, why couldn't she be Josh? He loved Ash, yeah, but fuck. Of course he didn't want her to die. But. She wasn't him. She wasn't the boy that Chris had met in third grade, the boy he spent his summers catching fireflies and torching plastic army dudes and setting off fireworks when they definitely shouldn't have with. She wasn't the boy that had needed him when he went through withdrawal because his meds made him sick, when his sisters died and he pushed him away, when he said it would help him heal going back to the mountain. Chris should have said no, but when had he ever been able to when Josh gave him a rare, genuine smile? It was like the sun had come out after a year of rainy days.

Chris hated the sun, but god did he love Josh.

"Chris, c'mon." Ashley shook him out of his deathtrap of a mind and he lifted his head. His hands were wet, so he wiped them on his jeans. She cupped his faced and wiped it with her thumbs, dislodging his glasses a bit. "Oh, Chris. It's going to be-"

He brushed her hands off and pushed off the way, away from her. "Don't, please." _Don't comfort me, don't waste your time on something so useless. It will never be-_

"It wasn't your fault," she said softly, and it made him so, so angry.

"What, letting my best friend die?" he snapped. "Letting him get cut in half? That's not my fucking fault, Ashley? I only let him down, yet again, and fucking killed him. I killed my best friend, the guy I -" He realized he had begun yelling, potentially giving away their position to the psycho. He snapped his mouth shut, feeling guilty. God, Ashley shouldn't be stuck with him, with such a fucking loser. He was going to kill her, too.

For her part though, Ashley didn't flinch. She didn't even look angry. If anything, her expression had gotten softer.

"You didn't choose to save me, did you?"

Chris startled, the question hitting him like a bus. Air. He needed air, but his lungs weren't working.

He looked away and took another step back. Oh god, oh god, she hated him. Fuck, no, he couldn't do this, not now. Tears pooled in his eyes again. He raised his head and stared at the ceiling, willing them not to fall. Fuck, why couldn't he have been the one in front of the saw? That would have made this so much easier.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. She stepped towards him and Chris braced himself, closing his eyes. She was going to hit him, to hurt him, he knew, and he deserved it.

She didn't. Ashley wrapped her arms around his middle and laid her head on his chest. "It's okay."

A sob escaped his throat, and tears streamed down his cheeks despite his best effort. Her hand crept into his hair and gently pulled his head down to her shoulder. Another sob wracked its way through his body. He wrapped his arms around her.

"Shh, it's okay." She rubbed soothing circles on his back and whispered every so often in his ear, things to remind him that she was there, that they'd figure this out together. That it would all be okay. That Chris wasn't at fault. He wanted so badly to believe her.

Despite the crazy shit going on everywhere, inside the lodge and out, in Chris's head - whoever was running the universe gave them this moment of peace in which Chris could fall apart and Ashley could help him put himself back together, as if for once they loved him.

He let himself do this, he let himself take this moment to grieve, but had to keep going, he knew. He had to - if only for the boy he left behind.


End file.
